We had some let downs this week with some of our investigators. They won't be baptized on their scheduled day, but eventually they will. I pray.
Its hard because you start to internalize... thinking... is it something that I did? Was I not obedient enough? Was I not diligent enough? Did I not prepare enough for their lessons? Was I not in tune enough with the spirit? these are all questions that go through my head. It sucks. But ultimately, it all comes down to agency, on my part as a missionary and as theirs. I choose to NEVER give up on anyone. but they can choose to give up on us and on christ. Hopefully not forever though. I know that every day we plant seeds, but it is really hard when you feel like they have come so close.
This week was a really good reminder for me that it is not about the numbers. We talked a lot about Quality lessons rather than quantity lessons. Yes, we are out here to teach, and numbers and SOE's help us stay motivated and diligent, but ultimately, we are out here to HELP SOULS. that is SO important. so much more important than meeting a weekly requirement for lessons. When I think about it that way, it puts it in to perspective for me. Each soul is precious. I want the time that I spend with that person, not about teaching certain doctrine, or getting a certain scripture read... I want it to be about helping them feel the spirit and the love that heavenly father feels for them. I want them to feel the things that I have felt throughout my life.
Sister Howard and I had a lot of fun this week. We are trying to have more fun and less anxiety. Missionary work cannot be robotic. You will burn out. This is life. We have personalities, we have likes and dislikes, we can be fun and ourselves and still carry the spirit and be professional representatives of Christ. Its hard to find that balance as a new missionary, but we are both getting there.
I definitely think that training sister Howard has been such an amazing experience and has benefited me more than her. I think Heavenly Father knew that I needed her. She has helped me in so many ways. Also, the responsibility of training a new missionary has been life changing. I have learned more about myself than ever before. Most of it is things I am working to change, but some are things I really like :).
Best of all, being a missionary has taught me to love. ALL Sorts of people. and to find different ways or reasons to love people. I forever want to work oon this attribute. We are all different (especially these hoosiers haha), but it is beautiful. I promise each and every one of you, that you can ALWAYS find something to love about someone. Once you find it, focus on it, and never forget it. Pretty soon, it will blossom and you could probably even find more that you love about them.
Its like faith and positive thinking. Love works only by positive thoughts too. Actually... ALL CHRISTLIKE attributes begin with positivity. Negativity belongs in the garbage. (sometimes I accidentily make negativity by buddy.. but I am striving to have a more positive outlook on people and places and things and myself.)
I hope you all know how much I love you. Thank you for your prayers and your letters and your faith. Thank you for your continued example to me.
the gospel is simple. Life and our own stubbornness makes it hard. Choose to live it simply. It will make you happier.
What doesnt kill me makes me stronger.
No fun unless you draw blood
when the going gets tough the tough get going
share till its gone
do the job cooley good
I have no brakes I cannot stop
I go forever
I LOVE YOU FOREVER